I Thought My Boyfriend and I Both Lived the Paycheck-to-Paycheck Lifestyle. Then I Caught a Glimpse of His Banking App.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My boyfriend and I are both 32. We’ve been together for three years and lived together for two. We both work in the service industry and have separate bank accounts. We each pay our half of the rent, and we’ve divvied up the other bills so they’re even between us. We take turns on groceries and going out. We make about the same and are both pretty chill about it all working out in the end. If we travel, one of us (usually him) will put everything on a credit card, and then tally up half at the end. This all works! Or I thought it did.

I just found out he has a secret savings account with $30,000! I wasn’t snooping, he had it up on his computer and my eyes were drawn to the huge number! I squawked when I saw it, and he said he wasn’t hiding it, it just never came up.  It’s in a separate at account as his bank. He says he’s had it for many years, since before we got together. He said he started the account with a small inheritance and has grown it with birthday gifts from his dad or “extra cash.” I didn’t know he ever had extra cash that I didn’t know about! I asked him what he was saving for and he said it’s like his emergency fund. I asked him what kind of emergency, and he was like, you know, like if he lost his job or if we broke up and he needed to get his own place! This really, really shocked me. He saw that I was shocked, and he said that’s not the specific thing he was saving for, but the kind of thing he was saving for.  I’m so hurt. And also feel stupid that he has this escape plan from me. I also guess I thought we were both sort of “not planning for the future” type people. We’ve joked before about the fact that neither of us have “retirement savings” and we’ll have to work forever—we work in bars! There’s no 401(k)! How can I forgive him from keeping this from me?

—Secret Savings

Dear Secret Savings,

This would throw me for a loop, too. It’s great that he has an emergency fund, but it was a weird way to find out about it, and I can totally understand why you feel misled.

But the thing is, the emergency fund is not an “escape plan” from you. It’s pretty basic financial advice that experts recommend to help safeguard against job loss, car troubles, or any other big expenses that come up. It doesn’t mean he’s planning for a breakup, it just means he’s protecting himself from whatever life throws his way. In some ways, it’s a green flag—he’s a good saver who has some degree of financial responsibility.

On the other hand, I can see why you’re hurt. It’s been three years, and I can see why it felt like he kept this from you if he spent so much time lamenting about his financial troubles with you. But he also might not have known how to bring it up, and he might still “feel” broke if he’s having trouble paying day-to-day bills, even if he does have something stashed away in case of emergency. If the two of you are planning a future together, he should be more forthcoming about financial conversations, including how much he has saved, how much debt he’s taken on, how much he earns, and so on. And the same is true for you—it’s important to have these conversations openly and regularly.

You thought you were on the same page, and now you’re realizing you never actually had that talk. So it’s time for a money conversation that goes beyond “we split everything evenly.” You need to know how each of you is thinking about the future, about savings, about long‑term plans, and about your relationship with money in general.

Talk through the emotional side of things, too. What does this situation bring up for both of you? It’s not just about the $30,000. It’s about the assumptions you each had about your relationship and your future. That conversation might help you open the door to forgiveness while also making sure you are both willing to be forthcoming with your financial lives. It’s an opportunity to get aligned about the future.

—Kristin

Classic Prudie

I’m a first-year teacher at an urban Title I middle school. As is common for many teachers in my position, I’m using my personal paycheck to cover the gaps that classroom funding doesn’t. After I realized at the beginning of the year that many of my students were having trouble concentrating, I started keeping a stash of healthy snacks near my desk. The students know they can come take a snack when they need one. The costs add up quickly, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make if it helps my kids focus. Not long after I started keeping the food in my room, I began noticing it disappearing dramatically between the time I left each afternoon and the time I clocked in the next morning.