My Stepsiblings Are Jealous of My Wealth and “Lifestyle.” Even Though They Know Its Sad Origin.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I inherited enough money from my late father to live comfortably and be able to focus on my creative career rather than paying the bills. I have had some success, but it has been chilled by the unchecked jealousy of my stepsiblings, “Janet” and “Tim.” This has been a pattern since we were children, and they hated when I would get gifts from my dad and go on trips with him. After he died and I received his estate, it’s been even worse.

My mom and stepdad live in a small house in a rural area, and I try to visit every month. My father wasn’t even 50 when he died, and it taught me that time here is short. But both Janet and Tim have boomeranged back home after making bad choices—Janet got involved with her married boss and her roommate’s boyfriend, and Tim can’t seem to stop having run-ins with the cops—so now when I visit, we’re all crammed into the house, and it’s very uncomfortable. I can’t say a word to Janet and Tim snapping at me and accusing me of “bragging.” Apparently asking my mother about different tiles and paint colors for redoing my kitchen is bragging or talking about where to go on vacation.

On my last visit, I asked my stepfather about my car and whether it was wiser to keep fixing it or trade it in for a new one. My stepsister jumped in and said that she needed the car and I “owed” it to her to give it to her free since I have “always been given everything on a silver plate.” I told her I would trade all the money in a heartbeat to get my father back, and that any complaints she has about her own life are her own fault. I haven’t been to visit since.

My mom is very upset and says she misses me, but she also said that I have to understand how hard all of this is on her and my stepfather. I asked why neither of them haven’t ever defended me or told my stepsiblings to shut up. This has been going on for 20 years! My mom didn’t have an answer, and neither do I. So what now?

—Hurt and Sad

Dear Hurt and Sad, 

There are two things going on here. The first is your stepsiblings’ jealousy. It’s been lingering since childhood, and now, it’s showing up bigtime because they think you’re bragging. In reality, you’re just talking about your life. But if every mention of your kitchen or your car gets twisted into an attack, then for the sake of your own sanity it might help to limit what you share in front of them. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells, but you also don’t need to keep walking into conversations that only leave you frustrated.

The second issue is a much more complicated one  —  the family dynamic is off, and everyone has their own issues with it. You’re hurt by the silence from your mom and stepdad and the way you’ve been left to handle this on your own. I get it  —  it’s painful when your own parent won’t stick up for you. Your mom might feel torn between being loyal to you and having compassion for Janet and Tim. Does that make her silence okay? No. But it might help explain it.

The next time you talk to your mom, try to approach the conversation in a slightly different way. Instead of telling her what she’s doing wrong (“you’ve never stood up for me, why not?”) try shifting the conversation to how her silence makes you feel.
(“When Janet and Tim attack me and you say nothing, I feel…”) Maybe you feel alone. Maybe you feel abandoned. Whatever it is, if you can name the specific feeling, it will make the conversation more productive. Your mom may see things more clearly, which will help her reflect on her own feelings and better communicate them with you.

Family dynamics are messy, though. It might take time to work through all of this. It might also require some radical acceptance on your part. Your mom loves you, but the truth is, if she hasn’t stood up for you in decades, it’s unlikely that this is going to change. There’s only so much you can do about that.

You can set some boundaries, though. Boundaries that protect your relationship with your mom and limit your exposure to your stepsiblings’ hostility. For example, maybe instead of visiting, you take your mom out to lunch. Or you could make it clear that you need a break, and you don’t want to visit if Janet and Tim are there. That might sound harsh, but, like you said, our time here is short. You don’t have to spend it reliving the same painful cycle.

—Kristin

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